I cannot tell you how long a journey it has been; I thought I was on the right path in love and life, time and again, only to watch each little plan, hope, and dream die – positively disintegrating me into the billion little bits that lie here tonight, beginning again.
I heard something once about honoring your story, about how, when you do that, it elevates you to the level of authentic and honors everyone else’s story in the process. I suppose that’s what I am doing tonight. Because I haven’t give up.
It was Steve Jobs who said, you can only connect the dots looking backwards.
I have done my best to do so; picking up the pearl of great price from every abyss and stringing each onto the thread of my own destiny in an attempt to make sense of an otherwise senseless world – for the world devoid of my story is a world without meaning.
When I was seventeen, I got the letters N.G.U tattooed on my right forearm. They stand for Never Give Up. Today, at thirty-one, never giving up means not giving up my story, not forgetting; remembering who I am, what I want, and why I am here.
I am Lawrence Black, and I desire to own my time, to have abundance and security, and to become the person I already am: the writer, the lover – the boy who only wanted to feel okay, but now I want more. Because why limit myself to being a cog in someone else’s machine. Why kill myself with 15 hour and 20 hour days to please people who would just as soon replace me.
So I’m taking a bet again, shifting my plans professionally, and casting my pearls into the sea – allowing them to fall where they may. This, of course, means letting people down; for there are two people you must let down: yourself or others; try to please others and you will invariably let yourself down – but, swallow the bitter pill of letting the right people down, as the dictates of your soul command, and you earn the right to look in the mirror and say: I live for me; I am the hero of my story, the victim of none but me. My excuses my own, mine to take responsibility for.
For me. For Sarah. And for the future we are building. Because, as I once heard, you can also fail at what you don’t want. So, I’ll deploy my resources accordingly – adjusting my plans as I always have – betting on what I think best. Sure, I’ve lost, made mistakes, ended up flat on my ass, but I am not there now. I am here; my course to date having taken me this far. What’s next, well, I am looking forward to seeing.